Smackdown, Four Year Old Style

I’ve been working on a post to describe my parenting style for a few days, but today I witnessed some downright horrific parenting that was so awful and sad that I must share. ASAP.

Not up to dealing with the carpool line these first few days of school, I set out with Bee in her stroller to pick up the Bear from school. We got to school, and I parked Bee under a tree where a group of 3-4 preschool age kids was running around picking up acorns. The kids were kind of tossing around the acorns and generally horsing around, like little children do.

Another mom came over to chat and she turned out to be the mother of the new boy in the Bear’s class. We were standing there chatting about nothing when one of the flying acorns hit her son in the face.

Her son responded to said acorn by PUNCHING the offender with a closed fist.

Yes, a four year old hit clocked another kid over incidental contact with an acorn.

Even more unbelievable was how the mother reacted. She picked up her son, Mr. Ultimate Fighter wannabe, and threw her arms around him, telling him that it was okay. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Meanwhile, the kid who was hit was standing there with a swollen eye and looking like, yeah I know I’m four, but don’t the bad guys get in trouble or at least a bit of scolding?

No. Apparently, they get a big hug from mom and reassurance that it’s okay.

The mother said, “oh, my son in the Bear’s class is much more quiet and even tempered than this one.” I pretended that I didn’t hear and walked away, thankful that the second grade class had appeared.

The child who’d been hit had a puffy face at this point, and his mother appeared and put him in one of the mini-vans lining the carpool line. I put on my best interfering, Benevolent Dictator face and knocked on her passenger side window. Explaining that I had seen the whole thing go down, I told her that her child had basically gotten a hit in the head worthy of an NFL quarterback and that a black eye would not be out of the realm of possibility.

WTF? I can’t think of what was worse…the way that this mom dealt with her Oscar de la Hoya protege or the fact that she didn’t seem to have any empathy for the little boy who was hit.

It’s an eff-ing jungle out there, even at Catholic grade school.

 

An Ugly Moment

I just had one of those moments. A moment- when you previously thought that you looked pretty decent, and then made the mistake of using the rear view mirror in the car and found out that, no, you’re just not very good looking.

Rewind to this morning. It’s the first day of school around here, so it’s back to the gym for me. I woke up, put on my workout clothes, and put on just enough make-up so as not to scare the kids for when I had to walk the Bear in and grab a cup of coffee for the First Day Parent Social. Then, it was on to the gym to start to work off the summer barbecue and constant stream of coronas that seemed to come my way.

AND THEN, in the car pool line totally bored, I made the lethal-to-the-self-esteem mistake of looking into the rear view mirror.

DON’T EVER DO THIS. EVER.

The lines on my face looked eerily similar to the Interstate system on my Random House map. There are sun spots, tan spots, and other spots that I’m not real sure about but definitely scared of. My lips are chapped, my skin is dry, and I’m trying to figure out why Brigham Young would bring his people to Utah where UVA rays can penetrate skin like nobody’s business. And, how I ended up with 30-something year old skin…yes, I know that I’m thirty something, but wasn’t all that crap I’ve been coating on my face for 15 years supposed to do something??

Maybe that’s why Utah has the highest percentage of plastic surgery per capita. For real.

Meanwhile I’m planning my way out of this state solely based on it’s lack of humidity.

‘

 

What Can Brown Do For You?

Yesterday, a neighbor on our street called to explain that they would be out of town for two days ask if we would take in their mail and be on the lookout for a package she was supposed to receive.

This neighbor is pretty much the quintessential nosy, pesky neighbor, and it’s pretty hard to avoid a run in with her if I walk out of the house.  She and her husband are much older than the MOD and I so we don’t have much in common with them and she delights in reminding me that she’s old enough to be my mom. When visiting, my dad has been known to mention that he needs to make a run to the liquor store when she meanders over to watch her run to her side of the street quicker than you can say “Teetotaler.”

Last night, I was feeling a bit goofy and happened to mention to the MOD that Mrs. Nosy Neighbor had asked us to get their mail.

MOD: What are they doing?

Me: Went to some Bed & Breakfast.

MOD: Eeeeeeowwww.

Me: Can you even imagine? They want us to pick up some package for them. Maybe she’s too busy getting Mr. Nosy Neighbor’s package.

MOD: What’s wrong with you!??!

Me: Maybe she just wants to test out that whole “what can brown do for you” thing.

MOD: How long you’ve been waiting to use that one?

Me: Maybe she just wants to bone up on her…

MOD: MY EYES!  MY EYES!

 

Finding Ways to Beat Mediocrity

It’s not easy being average. My whole life has been an exercise in stunning okay-ness, and I’m sick of everyone getting all attention. Michael Phelps and all his gold medal nonsense and such.

While perusing one of my newest blog finds, I found this list and knew that it’s finally my moment to shine.

The Big Read says that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed. At last, I’m wayyyy above average. Thank goodness. All this averageness is simply exhausting.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you love.
4) Strike out the books you have no intention of ever reading, or for whatever reason loathe.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien No intention of reading
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible - I’ve read most of this…does that count?
7 Wurthering Heights
8 1984 - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina- Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Pillars of the Earth- Ken Follett
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis de Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez Read part, hated it.
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From the Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac Loathe
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol -
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad Loathe
92 The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables- Victor Hugo

All comments bearing the word “nerd” will promptly be deleted.

 

Relaxing It Wasn’t

But, it was refreshing and lovely and who doesn’t like to drink a beer out of a can on a beach each afternoon?

Try taking three kids anywhere, and the idea of relaxation seems downright comical.

I’m a beach girl through and through and that will never change. I spent my teenage years living in a house on the lake in Tennessee and now I live literally in the shadow of the Wasatch Mountains. Both of those places were great for skiing, water and downhill, but there’s nothing like the Atlantic Ocean.

My family’s great love for the ocean goes back generations, but was no doubt cemented by the fact that my grandparents had a vacation house a quarter mile’s walk from the beach. Bethany Beach, Delaware was a three hour drive from our house in the Maryland suburbs, and summer was punctuated by beach trips. Mom Mould and Pop Mould’s house was one of the first on Oakwood Street so we were eyewitnesses to the growth that propelled Bethany from one of the quiet resorts to a beach town that attracted families from all over the mid-Atlantic. “Who’s staying next door?” someone would ask. “Oh, they’re renters, I think” Mom would answer. We didn’t say it to be rude, but just to remind ourselves that we were the lucky ones. The ones that didn’t have to wait to rent a house from Saturday to Saturday -we could roll up to the house on a Tuesday night if we wanted. We didn’t have to rush down to the beach all pale and wide eyed after driving all day on a Saturday. The ones that knew all the kids on the street who stayed there all summer.

Now, the tables are turned on us. We’re the renters now and, after unloading our cars as fast as we can, we race to get down to the beach late in the afternoon for that first satisfying dip into the great Atlantic ocean. Yes, we’re pale and wide eyed and anticipating a week of relaxation while cramming all the stuff we want to do into a single week. Delaware has given way to South Carolina, but it’s the ocean and we’re there and that’s what counts.

The dress code and menu are simple- bathing suits are the norm for eight hours a day, and you’d better plan for a least one bag of sour cream ‘n onion potato chips per day. Yuengling is the beer of choice… the Coach likes to ride the silver bullet, but has to do so by himself.

Walks are taken often- exploring the early morning beach or watching a late afternoon storm form over the island.

I watched a lady catch and release this shark. Hope I don’t meet him next year.

Since we are beach experts and also parents, the amount of equipment that we lug down the street to the beach each morning is absolutely ridiculous. Toys, umbrellas, chairs, coolers…

But the view from the blanket is excellent.

Like any proper seven year old, the Bear made friends with another little girl.

She hardly ever got out of the water.

The Llama had a great time.

And Bee took a few minutes from chasing birds to relax.

We all had a great time. Even me. Even though the moments of relaxing time with a book and a diet coke are few. Even though my hair looked like this for most of the week.

So, the relaxing time has gone by the wayside, at least for now. There are seagulls to be chased and waves to ride and holes to be dug. It’s hard work at the beach, but a new generation of beach lovers must be bred.

See you next year, Edisto. We’ll be the ones that show up on a weekend afternoon next July, pale and excited.

 

OMG, I’m Blushing

I truly do have the very worst blush, and any amount of embarrassment that I experience is impossible to disguise. It made high school really, really fun.

Lately, blogging has been an exercise taking place more in my head than in front of the computer. These days, I am a jack of all trades and master of none. Blogging, quite possibly, is probably at the top of that list. Somedays, it seems difficult to keep on being a wanna be blogger in a world of talented ladies whose talent seems unattainable. BUT, I am determined even if that means maintaining a mediocre blog until I can get the time to figure out all the mechanics. Any advice?

I digress.

But, honestly, I’m not embarrassed…just thrilled to receive my very first blog award from my very, very good blogosphere friend, bejewell- now found over at The Musical Fruit, the ultimate gamma girl of blogging.

Now, I was bestowed this honor over two weeks ago so my apologies for neglecting to thank all the important people in my life, but again I was busy consuming cosmopolitans and chasing my crawling baby down the beach who was determined to chase every bird on Edisto Island.

The rules are as follows:
You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also for contributing to the blogging community, no matter what language.

Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.

Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of Arte y Pico blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

And so, it is my distinct honor (why do people say this???) to offer five awards to five great blogs and their owners.

First, though, I have to give props where they’re due. When I began to blog last November, it was because I read this blog. Miss Zoot and I went to high school together…we weren’t best friends, but our class was small enough that we all pretty much knew each other and, despite what she says about how she felt in high school, I always found her to be a unique girl which, in that class, was a breath of fresh air. Of course, I wasn’t any kind of popularity queen myself so take that observation with many grains of salt.

I’m reserving my five awards for our little blogs who are less known, and Miss Zoot is an accomplished blogger with lots of readers, but I am awarding her The Benevolent Dictator’s Lifetime Achievement Award.

Because I’m a Benevolent Dictator and such is my calling.

Onto the reason that we’re all here…

1. Wiggle Rooms written by Sus…I love her pictures and her ideas and my plan was to bestow this esteemed honor even before her post on never receiving a blog award. Now, I’m not sure if this award will live up to her expectations, but its all I’ve got.
2. Happily Ever Now Admittedly, I have been a lurker on her site. She is some parts irreverent and some parts introspective. She’s a Packer fan and we can commiserate in our collective present misery, and I love the pictures of her feet. I have weird feet, but she did inspire me to take this picture.
3. Shamelessly Sassy A great blog, written by someone who sounds like she does everything, like being a mom who runs a business and is apparently applying to medical school. Oh My God. Like I have trouble Finding Band Aids. In my own house. For my own children. She also recently had a recent post referencing Friends, my all time favorite show, and another post called The Drunk Tampon. Enough Said?
4. Fab Finds Under Fifty This is not a mommy blog or even Vagina MonoBlog. In her description, she says that she doesn’t have the high style of NYC or LA, but I think that her clothes and, and most of all, accessories look pretty damn good. Even if her style isn’t yours, its a great blog to visit if you’re looking to turn up your style points a little- read and be inspired!
5. One Swift Click I am in absolute photographer’s envy. I want her to come live with me so she can show me how to take lovely photos like hers. Her blog is definitely worth reading, but even if you just look at the pictures, its worth the trip by.

So, there they are…the BD’s picks. Curl up, grab your laptop and a glass of wine, and enjoy.

Thanks again, bejewell- ACL 2009!?

 

The Crab Shack, Five Years In A Row

After managing three children across the country, we landed in Charleston, SC , quite possibly the loveliest place on earth, to stay at my parents’ house. They recently moved there from the DC area, but I had lived in Charleston for my freshman year of college so its all familiar to me. After hanging out at their pad for a few days, we set out for Edisto Beach. Eventually, the Coach and Mini Cooper joined us with the kids and the MOD flew out from Utah.

We actually started eating at the Crab Shack five years ago when we went in for the first time before our good friends’ wedding. Now, four years of Edisto tradition include a detour to Folly Beach on the way from Charleston to Edisto where we meet up with our friends Rick & Tara who are lucky enough to live on James Island, SC. They must be the smartest people, ever. Our tradition also includes an annual minor skirmish between the MOD and the hostess who always wants to sit our large party inside while the MOD explains that “he comes 2000 miles for this and that includes sitting outside.”

We all sit around and drink Bloody Marys and sweat while I stubbornly continue to order She-Crab soup despite the fact that I feel like I’m going to melt. It’s a great pleasure and a fabulous way to start off the week.

There’s nothing better than shrimp right off the boat and a spicy Bloody Mary.

 

Flying the Friendly Skies

Our two week excursion to Charleston, SC started off with a bang when my ever smiling child, the Llama, met a lovely older Southern woman in the Houston airport during our layover. Their exchange went something like this:

“How old you?” said the Llama.
“I am SOOOO sorry. He asks everyone that, ” I said, totally mortified.
“That’s fiiiiiiine, honey. Ahm as old as dirt,” she said to the Llama. “Ba-ring your crayons over here-uh by me.”

So the Llama does as she asks and brings her his Elmo coloring book and a few crayons.

The woman begins to color with a purple crayon and says, “Purple is the color of royalty.” The Llama takes it from her and hands her a blue crayon. The woman’s eyes light up and she says, “Blue is a very special color because its Jesus’s color. It says so in the Bible.”

At this point, I’m sure that this is all going to go downhill, fast.

“Do you know Jesus?” she asked the Llama.

Now I’m totally sure that this is bad news waiting to happen and trying to rehearse all the reasons I never take the Llama to church and trying to decide which one sounds the best.

“SURE!” exclaimed the Llama.

I’m stifling laughter and trying not to look at the Monkey Nurse who was also along for the adventure of toting three kids across the country and two time zones.

“Are y’all flying Continental?” I nod looking around at all the gates with Continental logos plastered everywhere. “You know, that’s my airline,” she says. I nod again, trying to decide if the woman is crazy or if maybe we’ve had one of those weird encounters with an actual CEO of an airline interacting with the common folk.

Overhead, they announced a flight to San Antonio and she stood up and gave the Llama a little kiss on the head.

“Yore a sweet thing and when you grow up you can come to my ranch and ride hoHHHses with me, all right?” She looked at me and said, “You are truly blessed.”

For some reason, I said, “Thank You” which immediately struck me as the wrong response.

And with that, she walked down the long hall to her flight. And, that’s how our vacation began.

Editor’s Note: I guess it’s pretty obvious that my html skills need some serious work especially where block quotes are concerned.

 

The Best Souvenir Ever

Originally uploaded by benevolentdictator

As our vacation winds up and I am forced to contemplate tomorrow’s unfortunate return to Utah, I thought I’d share this photo that I took in a charming shop in downtown Charleston, SC.  Amongst lace doilies and art galleries and straw baskets, I found this gem.  Watch out Starbucks.

 

Things I Like About Vacation

Yes, I am on vacation and thought I’d update quickly so as not to disappoint my readers as I can’t afford to lose any of you.

Most importantly, I am thrilled and excited to be honored by Ms. Bejewell and will definitely give that a proper entry, but at the moment I am busy drinking lots of wine and chasing my kids.

GREAT THINGS ABOUT VACATION:

1. How great my skin and hair feel in high humidity
2. How lovely cities are that boast lots of bridges and water
3. My kids playing with their cousins
4. Glasses of wine
5. Minor league baseball in a southern city
6. Friendly people
7. Adjusting to the eastern time zone makes my kids sleep in past 7:00am
8. Trees
9. The Atlantic Ocean
10. I don’t have to cook dinner

More Later.